37 posts 7/10/2006 1:09 pm
Last Read:
1/16/2009 7:13 pm
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Some suggestions for females (esp. UNattached) ISO (esp. UNattached) males
Ten Steps towards Finding a Decent Man on this site (esp. for UNattached women who want UNattached men)
I. INTRODUCTION
a) Why I wrote this and whom it's for
Many of my pals on here are unattached women. I've heard them complain about the fact that they're not meeting the right men on this site. More can be done. I can't gaurantee that a good result will occur these procedures are followed, but I'll bet a lot more 'near misses' will happen. And in this context, one needs a lot of near misses to get a hit!
(Attached gals can still get some benefits from reading this, but in my experience most of them seem to have very little trouble finding what they want here.)
b) "But I don't WANT a husband! I just got rid of an obnoxious man!"
Virtually all of the single women I know on this site are either divorced, or have exited from live-in relationships.
No, you might not want another controlling beast hanging over your head ... but you do want an UNattached man, right?
Ah ha. So there must be some reason for that. Okay, even if you only want to go out on a date once a month, you still want a guy who can talk to you when you call, or who can sleep over if the occasion demands, right?
Whether you're looking for economic security, or you just want an occasional "booty call", the problems faced by UNattached women in search of UNattached men on this site are generally fairly similar. Please read on ...
c) This site looks like a candy store for women, but it isn't!
Just let the guys line themselves up, and pick 'em, right? (After all, you get gobs of mail.)
Nominally there are about ten to twelve registered males for every female. Actually if we count active members, it's probably more like twenty to one. And every woman who signs up on this site gets several emails the very first day. So it's natural to think that whatever you're doing is enough. Not so. Because if it were, there wouldn't be scads of very intelligent, nice-looking, and otherwise attractive unattached women who still don't have what they want, after many months or even more than a year. Complacency doesn't work. Passivity fails. Time for a new approach!
My analysis suggests that the very same reason why this site looks like such a good deal for women, is also the reason why unattached women don't get what they want here!
Here's why: first off, this site is one of the few large singles sites where attached men are allowed. So a huge majority of the men here are married or otherwise attached. If you're an UNattached woman looking for an UNattached man, the ratio is probably more like two or three men per woman. That's a lot less favorable, and it means that you greatly improve your odds by taking the initiative ... i.e. being more than merely passive.
Furthermore, the ratio of active male members to active female members is so extreme that lots of men just give up. Typically, men have to write twenty emails to get one reply.
And many of those replies come from women who aren't really interested, but who are either just trying to be polite, or who are looking at a dozen men at the same time. So from a man's point of view: 100 emails leads to one potential coffee date.
Does it surprise you that there are many nice men here who are basically hidden, because they've given up after writing 500 or 1,000 emails? And there are a lot of men here who calculate that since their probabilities are so low, they might was well just send out a 'dick pic' and say "Wanna **ck?" and just leave it at that. No effort is required, and they might get a positive response back one of these decades. That may be a more cost-effective approach than spending five minutes on a thoughtful email which only has a 5% chance of getting a response! The 'candy store' problem also has one other dreadful consequence that I'll discuss immediately below.
II. SIX BASIC RULES
1) Men don't need reminding about sex!
When women first sign up for this site, they mistakenly think that they're going to have to attract men, and besides - they're probably horny at that moment. So they choose a handle that reminds men of sex (for example, it includes words like 'sexy', 'horny', 'boobs' etc.). Bad idea. That will only encourage more "wanna f*ck" emails that you'll have to delete. This applies to your profile photo as well as to the contents of your profile. (In fact it might not even be such a bad idea to omit your bust size.)
2) Be rational - coldly so!
Whenever you feel yourself reacting to my suggestions by saying "Hrrrmph! I'm not gonna do that, why the heck should I have to?!" Or "Ewwwwe!" ... stop and think. Are you just "being a girl about it"? (I don't care for that expression, but I can't find a substitute, sorry!) Would you be satisfied with that kind of response in yourself in a professional context? What is your happiness, worth - anyway? Just because the situation involves romance and relationships doesn't mean you can't or shouldn't be rational. In fact, you're doing yourself a tremendous disservice by short-circuiting the logical part of your brain which does such a good job when you're at work!
3) Don't be scared of computers.
To really work the system here, you're going to need to understand: (a) how to handle friends lists, filter your email, and use the interest groups on this site; (b) how to install and configure the chat programs, so you can block people, and have the maximum amount of control and privacy; (c) how to install and get both a headset (microphone/earphones combination) and webcam working. Is fear of computers a valid reason to compromise happiness? If you have a tenth-grade education, you can figure out how to do all these things. If nec'y, contact your computer-savvy friends for help. There's just no excuse for not learning them, and you're hurting yourself if you don't.
4) Marketing should be your mantra!
I hear this all the time from both men and women ... they say "Well, if they really want to know, they can ask me!" Or "I know I'm worth getting to know, and a good person. Why can't they see that?" Sorry, but that's just not how things work on the internet. People have limited time and resources, and they can't read minds. And remember, men on this site are used to the fact that they have to send out 20 emails to get one reply. So your goal is to make them want to contact you!
5) Don't make generalizations, or assume that just because some men on this site are rude, that you must reduce your visibility in order to save yourself from their despicable behavior.
I hear this kinda stuff all the time, for example: "I don't want to get a chat program, because look how the guys chat in this site's chat rooms!" That's a self-defeating attitude: by not using the chat programs, you're depriving yourself of an excellent way to get acquainted with men who have already proven that they may be worth chatting with. (Let alone talking to them via voice over the 'net, without having to give them your phone number!) Another example: "If I put a photo on my profile, I'll get that many more 'wanna **k?' emails with d#ck pix!". I explain below how to deal with that (the 'Zepplin' trick). Remember what I said above about how this site appears to be a candy store for women, but actually isn't? That analysis applies here: because the male/female ratio is so skewed, women react emotionally to some men, and therefore end up drastically reducing their chances of meeting a guy who could make them happy! While those reactions are understandable from one point of view, they're very much against your self-interest. In effect, you're holding your own fulfillment hostage to the guys who send the d#ck pix with the "wanna f*ck?" emails. You're letting them win. A casual observer might therefore conclude that you must really like them, since you're letting them control your own ability to achieve happiness!
6) Your profile handle - avoid sex or references to your body (to RE-EMPHASIZE THIS POINT!)
You can do better than Boobs4U, HornyMama or any of that other stuff. Pick your favorite movie starlet's first name, or some heroine of yours. Choose something based on your location. Select a handle that reflects your favorite food. There are so many choices out there ... the only reason so many women on this site have overtly sexual handles is that they sign up when they're horny. The more your handle reflects eroticism or your body, the greater the likelihood that you'll have an email box full of 'd#ck pix' and "Wanna f*ck?" emails. Finally, I'd avoid things like Princess, Goddess etc., or anything that sounds too 'girly'. Go for simplicity: something that's easy to remember and which minimizes the liklihood of preconceived notions. You might also want to avoid underscores: these tend to confuse people who are new to computers. Finally, if you want to put your year of birth in, make sure you use a four-digit year. My handle is 'Rog58', and I greatly regret omitting the '19' ... I'm sure many internet newbies think I'm much older than I actually am.
III. 10 SUGGESTED STEPS
STEP ONE: Chat programs, and an extra email address
This site's built-in chat program stinks - it's slow, it's awkward, and it's nonstandard. Very few people use it, because they don't understand how to use the friends list features.
b) AOHell IM, Yah00, and M S N: they're all free, they're easy to install, and they're meant for people who are new to computers. And they are safe. No one is going to crawl through your monitor screen just because you're talking to them on one of these chat programs! Furthermore, no one can chat with you unless you consent (see immediately below). I can't tell you how many times I've heard irrational reactions from women who are terrified of using these, and it really does just make me want to scream. To repeat: it's not in your interest to be scared of computers!
c) Get extra chat handles for these chat programs and a web-based email address (e.g. from Yah00, exc!te, or whatever) that you use for this site only!
d) Learn how to 'hide', i.e. how to be invisible. Figure out how to block other users of the chat program. Figure out how to make sure that no one can add you to their friends list w/o your prior consent. Practice this with your trusted pals first. It's not hard at all!
STEP TWO: Stay on line, be visible, be willing to set up meeting times on-line
Be nice: don't chat with more than one person at a time, otherwise a nice guy might think that you're rude. Don't just abandon one person because someone more interesting comes on line, and don't talk on the phone while you chat. A decent man will expect you to treat him politely, right? (The most basic trick to use here is to be visible until someone interesting comes along. Then go invisible.) Also: don't be afraid of telling an interesting man when you might be available! I don't know why people think that just because this isn't a "professional" context, they have to be so completely casual, and just hang around, waiting just in case someone has to be on. As a man, I find it impossible to negotiate availability times with women, because women here have so many choices (and tend to be extremely timid). As a woman, however - you should find that most interestING and interestED men will be willing to meet you on line!
STEP THREE: Get a webcam, and a microphone headset (cost: about 30 US d0llars).
The webcam gives you the chance to see the person you're talking to. You can then verify for yourself that their photos and/or description of their physiques are accurate. The microphone lets you talk over the internet to people for free ... and most importantly, without having to give them your phone number! Remember: you have control - no one can view your webcam or talk to you, unless you consent.
STEP FOUR: Get a second profile (handle) on this site.
You can use your second profile to check out how others view you (and what they can see on your profile) and also for playing with the friends network. (Besides, you may already have an initial profile handle that references sex.) Your second profile will be the 'real you' (that's the one that you can convert to a gold membership - see below).
STEP FIVE: Make sure you have a good introduction title ('tag line' .
If you only want single men, say so! This will help cut down your email, and/or profile views. If you're a larger woman (BBW) or have any unusual attribute, put it there as well. It's a bad idea to mention sex, a body part, or anything else that will increase the number of "wanna f*ck?" emails that you get.
STEP SIX: Rewrite your profile text.
a) Rememeber that the first part ("describe yourself") is the only portion that will appear if you send out an email and check the box to attach your profile. The second ("ideal person") portion will not show up. So make sure that the first part is complete in itself: try to interleave your self-description into what you want in a man.
b) Do not mention sex unless you absolutely must have something in particular (e.g. BDSM, etc.). As I keep saying: men don't need to be reminded about sex!
c) Do a good job of writing it ... write clear, simple, interesting sentences. Be a little funny, use capital letters sparingly if at all for emphasis, and as far as possible, try not to let your profile deteriorate into a list of things you dislike. (No matter how tough life is for men on this site, many of the ones that you're interested in just might be turned off by a profile that explains how much you hate men who do or say thus-and-so. For one thing, it implies that you have a lot of 'baggage'.) If you aren't good at writing prose, find someone who does! Don't worry about the length: too long is better than too short. A genuinely interested man will read the whole thing.
d) The second part ("ideal person") should contain at least the following: (i) any requirements that you have for their profile (do you insist that the fill out their marital/attachment status and height, for example?); (ii) instructions for men who wish to contact you on AOHell IM, Yah00, or M S N (remember, if you set up the chat programs correctly, no one can contact you without your consent); (iii) no friends' lists requests on this site are to be approved unless they send an email first (I'll explain why shortly); (iv) the Zepplin trick: this means that the last line of that section says something like: ""Most men here don't read profiles. This means that we gals get a lot of ridicious emails. If you have read this profile in its entirety, and you'd like to get to know me, please put the word 'zepplin' in the subject line of your email. If I see an email without that word in the subject line, I will *automatically* delete it! Sorry, but that's the only way I can filter out the dozens of 'wanna **ck?' emails that I get from men who blindly send them out. I don't think it's too much to ask, do you? You will *NOT* get a reply unless you follow this instruction, sorry."
STEP SEVEN: Profile photos, and Friends' Network Albums
a) Have at least one decent photo - preferably two. Please, not of (most) body parts! A face pic with the eyes blacked out is better than nothing at all. If you can't bear to do anything else, get a photo of your forehead and eyes (this works quite well, I'm told ... thanks to the Sweetie Pie who introduced me to this trick!).
b) You can put your other photos in your network albums. For example, if you do have sexy pix, that's where they should go: remember only your friends can view these photos.
c) Cycle your profile photos (this gets you more attention). In other words, make your second profile photo your main photo every week or so (swap them). You may have to delete both and upload them again: the last time I checked, the page that allows you to rotate photos didn't work properly.
d) Use a splash of color! Look at the profile photos in the interest groups. Which ones catch your eye? Obviously, the ones with color. So try to wear something that has a color that contrasts nicely with your skin - primary colors like reds, dark greens, and blues work well.
STEP EIGHT: Learn how to use the friends' list and filter your email with your cupid settings
I'm not going to explain how to do these things, in case the layout of the site changes. However, most of the options for the friends network can be located by clicking Friends on the menu bar, and most of the options for email can be located by clicking on the email box icon on the upper right.
a) If nec'y, get a second handle to become familiar with friends' lists (Gay XXX Dates will allow multiple handles that are associated with different email addresses. If you don't know how to get a free web-based email account, please ask someone! It's easy, and safe. Consider yah00, excite, etc.)
b) Figure out how to create friends network album, and how to put photos in it. Trick: how to delete photos - you have to use the 'edit albums' option first.
c) Figure out how to view other members' friends network albums
STEP NINE: Get a gold membership and standard contacts for a month, and actually write to men.
a) Doing these things for a month will cost you about 30 US d0llars. So yes, I'm asking you to spend a grand total of 60 d0llars (including the web cam and microphone). I think your happiness is worth that, isn't it? (Compare to the cost of certain other singles sites where women get very little attention!)
b) Gold members can view anyone's profile, and write to anyone. They also have enhanced search options, for example: the ability to limit themselves to members who have signed in recently, and those who live within a certain geographical radius.
c) Standard contacts mean that anyone can view your profile and write to you. Most men who are serious about the site do eventually become gold or silver ... but remember that everyone initially signs up as standard members.
d) Remember, many of the men you want have probably given up - they may have written 100 emails, gotten 5 replies and only one from a woman that was actually interested in talking to them. It's an awful lot of effort for one contact, isn't it? How many times have they gone through this process? Maybe a few ... can you really blame them for quiting after writing 500 emails? You have to bridge the gap, if you want to even know that they are there! Keep in mind that any woman will get responses to at least half the emails she sends out (provided she limits herself to men who have logged in recently, say w/i the last 2 weeks).
STEP TEN: Post to the interest groups! Make yourself *visible*. This is much more valuable than chats.
I can't emphasize this enough. Don't just passively join them, or post dumb little "I'm horny tonight, I need some attention" posts. See if you can actually find something to say. You'd be amazed at how many responses you will get, beyond the usual "When can I **ck you?" drivel.
IV. WHAT TO LOOK FOR (AND NOT BE DECEIVED BY)
I don't know why people seem to emphasize things like movies, books, hobbies etc. Sure, they make great conversation topics, and I'm all for that. But one thing that many women fail to search for right off the bat is how a man talks about his prior relationships with other women, and/or his , parents, and so forth. This can be a critical indicator of how he might view you.
His occupation can be pitfall: men who work in certain 'caretaker' professions such as nursing or those who work with plants and animals aren't necessarily caring people. Be wary of making assumptions about that sort of thing. You should be equally wary of a guy who claims to have sufferred a major tragedy in his life. A lot of men will make up stories, for the sole purpose of gaining female sympathy. They know women are typically socialized to be caretakers.
How attentive is he and/or interested in you? No, I'm not asking whether he's always sending you sweet little missives, and/or e-cards, etc. I'm asking whether he's attentive to your life, and shows a genuine desire to get to know you. How long did it take him to ask you about your prior relationships? About your immediate family and/or your relationships with them (parents/siblings)? Or about your ?
Finally, if you're a larger woman (BBW), I strongly recommend that you seek out men who prefer this: if a man says he's indifferent, or enjoys women of all sizes, this may not be the best thing. The same may or may not go for other distinctive attributes.
V. SAFETY ADVICE FOR MEETING MEN.
There are two basic requirements for being safe on line: (i) make sure you have either a real name that you can independently verify or at least find a way to tie him to a business/professional license, or a home/business telephone number - i.e. a land line, not a cell phone or pay phone!; (ii) make sure that a friend knows who you're going to meet, and when to check back with you.
Some people only have cell phones, so the best way around this is to call them at work - even if they can't receive a telephone call there, there should be some way to verify that they actually do work there and to leave them a coded message that they will later report to you. (Such as "I have your Begonias".) If it's a home number and they can't talk to you on that number, you can at least arrange a time when they can answer the phone and you can say "Is Jack there?" and they can reply "No, Jim is not here." It's not a good idea to rely on Friend Finder, Inc's Confirm ID service. Anyone can send in a faked document - my sense is that they don't do a very good job of verification (since they don't have access to the required tools).
Just the fact that you are making an effort to verify his identity should be enough to deter anyone who might have bad intentions!
Final Version May 2 '05 - thanks to the reviewers!
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